having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
