I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
