I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize