You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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