Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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