i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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