i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
