lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
