the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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