would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
