So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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