Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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