I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
