I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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