I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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