i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize