batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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