She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
