Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When are your genitals available?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
