I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize