Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
