ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
