drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize