Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
