You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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