It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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