I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
