i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
