guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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