Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ttyl tear gas
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I still have a little drunk in my system
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
