found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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