i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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