Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
