When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
