Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize