first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
