i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
