You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
