if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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