he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
