We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize