Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
