I wish my penis had an off switch
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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