Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
