You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
