Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
