If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
