Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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