im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
