woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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