i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize