is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
