She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
