So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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