Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
