I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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