I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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