I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
