And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
