The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
