A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
