a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
