sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
