Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
