apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
